Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.” Advertisements
(Brookfield, WI) A genderless, robotic Santa in Brookfield Square Mall is causing outrage among conservative customers who are demanding a traditional, white, human male Santa. What do you think?
Yesterday, a ranting president Trump claimed on live TV that Americans are flushing their toilets “10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once,” adding that he’s having the EPA “look into it.” Today, the president’s senior advisor – and blackbelt white supremacist – Stephen Miller revealed that Trump has a strange “toilet flushing obsession” on Sean Hannity’s aptly named radio program: The Sean Hannity Show. “Mr. Trump has this thing he does. It’s odd,” Miller stated. “The president runs into any bathroom that he is walking past unless you grab him; men’s or women’s. If he gets inside, he’ll lock himself in there and just flush and flush and flush. At this point, all of the president’s Secret Service agents are expert locksmiths.” Miller estimates that the president spends “at least four hours a day in the bathroom.”
Wikipedia has taken to blackmail in order to raise enough money to keep the non-profit, volunteer-based information site up and running. With the #11 landing page on the site being searches for xHamster, dads everywhere have begun reporting a threatening message that appears when landing on the Wikipedia page, which reads:
The jobs report is in and unemployment has dipped to 3.5% after over 225,000 Americans finally made the dream of owning and operating their very own Etsy shop a reality. What do you think?
Presidential candidate and mayor of South Bend, Indiana Pete Buttigieg raised more than $23 million in the month of November by letting Grindr users pay to go on dates with him. The gay dating app, which tells users how far away other men are from each other, allowed Buttigieg to essentially speed date no matter his location.