Resolution: Let’s all stop checking behind the shower curtains before going pee in 2020

A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this issue?

“Personally, I always make sure there is somebody in the shower. I can’t go unless I know I’m not alone in the bathroom.” – Dave Juarez, Volunteer Lifeguard

“There could be any number of things waiting behind a shower curtain. For example, raptors. I could certainly see raptors hiding back there. Clever girls.” – Jason Stevens, Creationist Paleontologist

“That’s insane! If you haven’t done anything wrong then the translucent demon spirits are not waiting behind the shower curtain to kill you and drag your soul down to Lucifer himself!” – Julia Simmons, Daycare Owner

“My resolution is to remember to pick up a weapon before checking behind the curtains. I honestly have no fucking clue how I’ve lived this long.” – Gerald Smultz, Plumber

Photo Credit TJStamp

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Holy Hell: Pope Francis slapped a woman who grabbed his ass while he was dancing on NYE

A visibly shocked and annoyed Pope Francis had to slap a woman in a crowd at St Peter’s Square during a New Year’s Eve party after she aggressively and repeatedly grabbed his ass. Francis, who had been twerking through the square, had just finished grinding with a young boy. The Pope then turned and started shaking his ass at the crowd. Just then, a nearby woman lunged, seized his cheeks, and pull him towards her. The abrupt humping motion seemed to cause him pain as Francis swiftly slapped the woman before pulling his ass free and dancing his way back toward the boy. As of press time the woman in question had been identified, charged with sexual assault, and excommunicated from the Church. Meanwhile, Francis and the boy were spotted this morning having brunch. The two were then headed to purchase the teenager a brand new car, the latest iPhone, and whatever else it takes to get past last night’s trauma.
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