Madness: Impeachment hearings break for recess after hospice care workers lose control of Republicans

Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements.

The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones.

“Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”

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Heartbroken: US military is distraught after "wasting 18 good years on that ignorant slut Afghanistan"

The largest military force in the world is in shambles after trying and failing to make an 18 year war with “that ignorant slut Afghanistan” work. Clearly shaken, the US military finally came to grips with reality after longtime friend, The Washington Post, offered 2,000 heartfelt pages and 600 interviews proving what deep down the US military already knew: that useless whore Afghanistan would never truly be theirs. In total, the leader of the free world says it’s “lost over 2,300 American lives, killed off 150,000 civilians, and spent over $934 billion on that dumb bitch Afghanistan.” As of press time, the US military was already six drinks deep and loading up heat-seeking missiles in search of a rebound country.
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