Cheese Nips recalled because nobody fucking eats them

After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves.

“We wanted to see what happened if we loaded the snack boxes with sharp objects. So we did and then waited for consumer complaints,” CEO Nichols Wardski stated. “After going several months without a single death, injury or complaint, we admit that nobody is eating our pathetic, little cheesy nips.”

When reached for comment, the company’s rival Cheez-It says they welcome the news as they’d secretly lost seven Competitor Product Testers to Cheese Nips-related injuries this month alone.