Google: “We’ll buy Fitbit as soon as they remove all the masturbation data”

YouReadyGrandma

Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. “Often users will forget to remove their smart watches before they take a jackhammer to the snizz palace,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai stated. “Because of this, repetitive sausage strokes and Pikachu poundings have resulted in unreliable data.” Because the average American doesn’t exercise, Google says most significant spikes in heart rate and motion data only reflect the fact that users have frantically moved their hands all over their genitals. Once Fitbit removes the data – which shows the average person masturbating the equivalent of 4.7 miles per week – the purchase will be finalized. Advertisements

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Delta flights will play same-sex pornography on repeat for the month of December

YouReadyGrandma

In an apology for cutting out all LGBT sex scenes from Rocketman – the biographical musical film based on the life of musician Elton John – Delta airlines has announced they’ll be playing nothing but gay sex scenes on flights in December. “In-flight entertainment should never be discriminatory,” a Delta spokesperson stated. “So to make up for our error, travelers will now be treated to copious amounts of man-on-man action throughout the holiday season.”

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