Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just months after the actor paid the World Wildlife Fund $500,000 to burn down all of Brazil’s Amazon Rainforest. Brazil’s president Jair Bolsonaro spoke out about the revelation. “The fires started by the World Wildlife Fund show that this group, which was founded in 1961 and typically works to preserve nature, will commit environmental atrocities if the price is right. Mr. DiCaprio has funded terrorism.” When reached for comment DiCaprio declined to speak with reporters, but later tweeted out: Photo credit KomuNews
Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 years and now nothing. Folks just don’t seem to have that holiday spirit anymore,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated. Retailers across the country are now expressing concern that holiday sales are headed for a slump. “Before the day is over. If we could see a fist fight over a children’s toy or maybe a parking lot shooting, or even a simple jewelry store robbery, then maybe, just maybe that would be a sign that there’s still some hope left.” Photo credit Ian Muttoo
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #MAGA.
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade route, a steady stream began pouring from the clown’s leg at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 34th Street, at which point McDonald was reprimanded and sent home for even considering coming to work in such a condition.
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the first time that the turkeys weren’t spared since the White House tradition began in 1989. After the turkeys were slain, Pence took them home to stuff and serve at his Thanksgiving dinner. As of press time it’s unclear whether or not the Vice President will stick his head in the oven as well.
President Trump went on a 20-minute rant at a rally in Pittsburgh, PA last night in which he described how the radical left is taking Jesus out of the Thanksgiving turkey preparation process. “They want to stop us, the lefty loons, ” Trump stated. “But we still cook our turkeys in the oven for 3 days and 3 nights just like Jesus was baked in that giant brick oven before being served to the disciples for the Last Supper. Well – baked or broiled – that’s up for debate if you ask the Pilgrim Scholars.” The president then poured hot gravy and cranberry sauce over his head and shouted “the blood of Christ be with you!” To which his supporters replied, “And also with you!” As of press time the president was at Walter Reed Hospital where they are conducting a study to figure out how he became such a stable genius.
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. If anything, I am God!” The president’s statement caused immediate outrage among religious people of all political leanings, prompting Trump to later tweet out a clarification. The tweet has been deemed offensive by many, but good enough to serve as both an excuse and an apology for today’s Republicans.