Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m an energetic bisexual who’s in an open relationship with my husband, my life partner Barb, and anyone out there who’s interested.” When reached for comment, Warren’s husband Bruce said he has “No idea what Elizabeth is talking about.”
After 17 years of selling oversized, rotisserie rats, Costco has announced that they will no longer offer the popular rodent; citing yearly losses of over $30 million from the unsustainably low prices.
Mental health organizations across the world are using World Mental Health Day to remind men to keep their problems to themselves. “Real men never share their feelings, so it’s important that you catch yourself if you accidentally begin to open up.” psychiatrist Brian Tomlinson stated. “Bottle it up and bury it deep down inside; then, and this is important, go ahead and never talk about it again. What other people think about you is far more important than being happy.” Photo credit: thoroughlyreviewed.com
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
A new, controversial advertisement by Elizabeth Warren’s presidential campaign was released today and people are shocked. The ad, which focuses on the Senator admitting to a sexual affair with a 24-year old Marine, combines a patriotic tone with a confusing message. In total, the 30-second spot includes a brief admission of the affair while God Bless America plays in the background. As the song reaches crescendo, a lit-up Warren proclaims “I’m Elizabeth Warren and I let a United States Marine go down on me… for America!” Vocal critics of Warren who demanded that the Senator end her campaign over the affair were silenced by being reminded of Stormy Daniels.
Despite pushback from his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Congress says that president Trump will be tried as an adult throughout the impeachment process. “Mr. Trump throws tantrums, says everything is unfair, only wants junk food and has tiny hands,” Giuliani shouted on Fox and Friends. “This is all wrong. The president is not an adult. Period!” Democrats fired back quickly, with Speaker Nancy Pelosi making a public statement. “President Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and never get in trouble,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “But now he’s shot himself in the foot and for the first time in his life he’s facing the consequences. It’s time to grow up Donald.”