Impeachment probe ends as Trump preemptively pardons all Republicans

Impeachment probe ends as Trump preemptively pardons all Republicans

In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and citizens.

“Conservatives are being targeted. Period.” Trump stated. “Fine Americans shouldn’t live in constant fear that they’ll eventually be caught and charged for doing something wrong. I can’t fucking sleep!” a puffy-eyed Trump shouted. “It’s unfair! And it’s cruel and it is unusual psychological punishment – which is not allowed under the 8th Amendment!”

As of press time, the executive order had been added as the fifty-seventh example of obstruction of justice by the Trump Administration.