MLB is considering adding landmines to the field to make games remotely interesting

YouReadyGrandma

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league may begin burying explosive devices around the field to increase viewership next year.

“Baseball is a relatively sedentary sport comprised of hours of groin itching, spitting and – on average – 2.75 exciting plays per game,” Manfred stated. “By burying 10 or so active landmines throughout the field we should certainly pique the fans’ interest.”

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KFC: "We will pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants"

In an effort to “lure those who have given up on life” into their restaurants, KFC is now selling a 3,450 calorie fried Chicken & Donut sandwich meant to induce heart attacks while offering to dump hot coffee all over guests’ crotches. “We’ve used real tears of underpaid workers to give the donuts a salty-sweet glaze,” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. “Then we deep fry the chicken in a vat of employee sweat to get that taste of utter despair packed into every savory bite. And then, for just $1 more, we’ll pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants.” Eaton says that the scalding hot coffee in your lap and Chicken & Donut sandwich will remain on the menu until the company is hit with a class action lawsuit. Advertisements
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