CDC reports new strain of herpes that causes extra nipples to grow on your body

The Center for Disease Control announced today that they’ve discovered a new strain of herpes that causes humans to grow extra nipples. Referred to as “nerpes,” the contagious disease has been discovered in 27 states so far.

“Symptoms include flare-ups in which multiple nipples can appear in clusters around the lips, armpits and genitals,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Luckily, a lotion called Niptrax is ready to hit stores. The rub-on medicine should be applied to the extra nipples in slow, circular motions.”