John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor

After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign.

“John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for our game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The correct answer is always going to be fuck Afghanistan, marry Kim Jong-un, kill Iran. So the stache is out.”

As of press time, Bolton’s mustache had already accepted a position as a contributor at FOX News.

Photo by Gage Skidmore