Ted Cruz fights bill banning members of Congress from watching porn at work

A bill proposed by presidential hopeful Kamala Harris that would ban all members of congress from watching pornography while at work hit a surprising wall of opposition yesterday. The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.

When Harris’ Forgo All Pornography at Work Willingly bill (FAP-Aww) was introduced to the floor, Cruz immediately hollered, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional and primal tone.

Mitch McConnell granted his request as the two shared 20-seconds of eye-contact – gazing deeply and knowingly at one another. Then, Senator Ted Cruz began his seemingly unprepared, yet impassioned speech.

“I have always been a huge proponent of freedom,” Cruz bemoaned, “but I, personally, have never even considered looking up anything obscene, arousing, indecent, crude, suggestive, lewd, dirty, twink-related, vulgar, filthy, smutty, erotic, BDSM, titillating, otter… hold, hold on…” Cruz paused momentarily to use a handkerchief to wipe the sweat that poured profusely from his brow. He then rubbed an “itchy nipple,” for awhile with his eyes closed before continuing on.

“I would never look up off-color, sexy, risqué, leather bear, adult, X-rated, hard-core – or, especially BORING soft-core content while at work – because we all know that it’s not ethical. C’mon people! This law is pointless!”

The sweaty and exasperated Cruz then consummated and refused to yield the floor.

“It’s still too hard and too sticky of a situation to step away from the podium,” Cruz stated.

Now Cruz, who is on his second day of filibustering, has requested that he be surrounded by, “something similar to privacy curtains in a hospital,” and demands he be given a power source, a phone charger, lotion and “whatever the wi-fi password is in this place.”