Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over the course of three years. “We’ve discovered hyper-rapid serotonin production that is only found in people with low IQs. In other words, it doesn’t take much to make an idiot smile,” Head Researcher Bryan Scoff glared. “It is my sincerest hope – that because of these findings – that absolutely nobody is happy anymore.” Next, scientists say they plan to ruin the concept of love and then move on to destroy any semblance of happiness that may remain after that. Advertisements
The 3,500 people who showed up to Storm Area 51 today were sorely disappointed when they found out the aliens had been relocated to Area 52. Refusing to leave empty-handed, the sizable crowd raided a military truck as it drove by, pulling out crates of what turned out to be hand sanitizer. Initial reports state that the sanitation product was created at Area 51 with alien saliva. The futuristic sanitizer’s label says it’s guaranteed to kill 100% of germs – along with anything else that comes in contact with it.
Hours after an incriminating interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani came sprinting back on set shouting something about Ukraine; interrupting a live broadcast by anchor Brooke Baldwin. Fuming mad, Giuliani began flailing around and screeching before tearing off his clothes and chasing guest Shaun Harper with his asscheeks. Photo Credit Mishimoto88
In an effort to “lure those who have given up on life” into their restaurants, KFC is now selling a 3,450 calorie fried Chicken & Donut sandwich meant to induce heart attacks while offering to dump hot coffee all over guests’ crotches. “We’ve used real tears of underpaid workers to give the donuts a salty-sweet glaze,” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. “Then we deep fry the chicken in a vat of employee sweat to get that taste of utter despair packed into every savory bite. And then, for just $1 more, we’ll pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants.” Eaton says that the scalding hot coffee in your lap and Chicken & Donut sandwich will remain on the menu until the company is hit with a class action lawsuit.
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league may begin burying explosive devices around the field to increase viewership next year. “Baseball is a relatively sedentary sport comprised of hours of groin itching, spitting and – on average – 2.75 exciting plays per game,” Manfred stated. “By burying 10 or so active landmines throughout the field we should certainly pique the fans’ interest.”
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was referring to this gigantic structure,” Governor Michelle Grisham stated. “Only an eighth of the wall actually butts up against Mexico, the rest goes all the way around the state of New Mexico.” Grisham says the wall doesn’t pose a problem as it won’t prevent people from crossing; however, she would like all of her Hispanic residents to be released from the accompanying, newly-constructed prisons.
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they’ve discovered a new strain of herpes that causes humans to grow extra nipples. Referred to as “nerpes,” the contagious disease has been discovered in 27 states so far. “Symptoms include flare-ups in which multiple nipples can appear in clusters around the lips, armpits and genitals,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Luckily, a lotion called Niptrax is ready to hit stores. The rub-on medicine should be applied to the extra nipples in slow, circular motions.”