KFC completely drops meat and changes name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas


After a warm reception while testing out plant-based protein at an Atlanta location, KFC is completely switching over to imitation meat and changing its name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas. The fast food restaurant cites lower costs and environmental reasons for making the switch. “Honestly, if people were willing to eat the trash we served before, then this transition should be painless” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. Meanwhile, an outraged President Trump – who normally eats KFC several times a day – has called for a boycott of the chain, calling the move ‘unfair’ and the food ‘fake meat.’ Advertisements


Deutsche Bank says it has Giant Deutsche’s tax returns

White House scrambles to convince Trump that Puerto Rico is part of the US as tropical storm Dorian approaches


As tropical storm Dorian heads toward Puerto Rico, White House aides are are scrambling once again, trying to convince the president that the island is a US territory. Sources in the White House say Trump remained confident that the US was helping a foreign nation throughout the aftermath of Hurricane Maria and he carries that sentiment to this day. “One problem is distance. The president can’t get past the fact that Puerto Rico is so far away,” an anonymous staffer stated. “In fact, we even have to spend an hour a week reminding Mr. Trump that Alaska and Hawaii are states.” “Then there’s the color issue,” the staffer added. “He asks things like, ‘If they’re American, why are they all brown?’ and honestly, all of us in the White House have a hard time pushing back. He has a point there.” Photo credit Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

NFL buys 3,500 human kidneys for football bladders every year


The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on a yearly basis from medical facilities. During the same time, the US kidney transplant waiting list has grown and now nears 100,000 patients. “We get that families are mad that donated kidneys aren’t being used as intended.” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “But isn’t it exciting to think that, after you die, your kidney could be inside of the ball that scores the game-winning touchdown in the Superbowl?” Photo credit Andy Miah

Trump asked advisors if he could nuke bedbugs in his Doral Miami resort


President Trump wants to use nukes like they’re Flex Tape. A leaked memo from the White House depicts President Trump asking staffers to look into using “micro nukes” inside Trump National Doral Miami resort to clear out bedbugs back in 2017. An official statement from the White House denied the exchange ever happened. Meanwhile, President Trump praised the idea. “Whoever came up with the micro nukes idea is likely a genius,” Trump grinned. “And I’m not saying it was me, but it could have been folks. It could have been.”

President Trump just sexually assaulted Mike Pence in celebration of Women’s Equality Day


Trump said he groped “every inch” of Pence to show that he “believes in treating men and women exactly the same.”

Somewhat vigilant Americans order last round of breadsticks before boycotting Olive Garden


After learning that Olive Garden’s parent company donates to the Trump campaign, liberals everywhere are asking for one last tinfoil bag of over-salted, buttery goodness before never setting foot in the glorified salad bar again. As of press time, boycotters had already begun purchasing TV dinners as a less expensive, higher quality alternative to the restaurant’s entrees.

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