Abandoning the longstanding tradition of simply ordering food at the Chick-Fil-A drive thru, heterosexual Americans are bravely stepping out and showing their straight pride this year by holding parades across the country.
In advance of the parades, the right-wing organizing group Straights Hoping for Integration Today (SHIT) are asking the public to not judge them by what they wear.
“SHIT people should not be mocked for having fun, revealing and silly costumes.” SHIT president John Hugo stated. “It’s a parade. Parade attire has been – and always will be – inherently nonsensical. End of discussion.”
With the first parade being held in Boston, people who identify with SHIT say they have many reasons for marching in a heterosexual pride parade. For one, SHIT president John Hugo claims that it’s hard for straight people to have the courage to hold hands or kiss in public due to vocal homosexuals who disapprove of their breeding on a moral level.
“Despite scientists finding that heterosexuality is common across the animal kingdom, the gays won’t stop mocking and harassing us,” Hugo exclaimed. “Not to mention the fact that every year more straight people die than gay people. But you never hear anything about that, now do you?!”
“You can’t even be fired for being heterosexual,” Hugo concluded. “They don’t even bother to make laws for us. The homos can be canned in 26 states for who they are and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”