Aries – Your wellness goals have fallen by the wayside, but that all changes this week when a massive heart attack finally kills you.
Taurus – A surge of energy will hit you Wednesday around lunchtime when your cocaine addiction seeps into your workweek. Jump off the wagon and push hard for that raise so you can afford more nose candy.
Gemini – A wave of pleasure-seeking activity will coerce you into piercing your genitals.
Leo – Step outside of your comfort zone. Try cooking a romantic dinner for that special someone again, but this time use the rat poison.
Cancer – Certain life choices over the weekend will cause a major shift in your attitude toward abortion when a false positive makes you wish the closest Planned Parenthood wasn’t 180 miles away.
Virgo – Get your affairs in order because president Trump will be deporting all Virgos for some fucking reason this week.
Libra – You’re horny, but depressed. Unleash your frisky nature and diversify your dating portfolio by indiscriminately answering to at least 10 missed connections on Craigslist. Worst case scenario; you get murdered.
Scorpio – Financial troubles will fall away when your last shred of dignity finally dissipates. Remember: amateur porn will always pay more than anything else you’ll do in life.
Sagittarius – Your horoscope this week will be incredibly accurate.
Capricorn – You’re happiest when you’re surrounded by the finer things, but you don’t have any taste. Throw out the stacks of old newspapers you’ve been collecting since 1991, clean your house, and maybe you’d have space to host the friends you don’t have.
Aquarius – Milk, eggs, bacon, Chex Mix, green beans, potatoes, cheddar cheese, prescriptions.
Pisces – It seems like someone in your life is always relying on you for every. Single. Thing. Just leave the baby at the park for a few hours and take some time for yourself.