An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.” Advertisements
After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it out for a nice, white, rich and pristine island. It has ‘green’ in the name, but it’s covered in ice. How about that folks!? Greenland, which is an autonomous country of the Kingdom of Denmark, says Trump can go ahead and fuck himself.