Brave, Marginalized Heterosexuals Hold Pride Parades Across Nation

“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”

Feeling cocky, President Trump strings together 10 words to form a complete, coherent sentence

At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of clarity came while the president spoke about Hurricane Dorian. “It’s bad. The storm. It’s a bad place and you don’t wanna be stuck in there,” Trump stumbled before nailing his big line. “This storm is very big and very scary to people,” a satisfied Trump beamed. Within seconds FOX News was broadcasting the president’s eloquent sentence. ‘This storm is very big and very scary to people’ began continuously scrolling across the bottom news ticker as TV personalities dissected the sentence; savoring every syllable of genius for the better part of a half an hour. The story was then looped back into the news cycle every 30 minutes with a breaking news alert whose subtitle read “Is this President Trump’s I Have a Dream Speech?” Photo Credit James Cridland

Cadbury releases hair-covered chocolate bar in recognition of furry pride

The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.

UK Study proves that all human genes are gay

Scientists say that everyone’s genetic activity is measurable and that soon devices will be able to scan people and determine just how gay they are.

Trump sends $1.3 billion in hurricane relief to help protect “Florida Man” constituency

The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is sending $1.3 billion in disaster relief to the state. “Without the Florida Man vote we won’t be able to win in 2020,” Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale confirmed. “Like much of our base, these magnificent creatures are highly driven, skittish and vapid men, so we’ll do everything we can to protect The Sunshine State.”

Marriott announces guests can no longer steal travel-sized shampoo bottles

In a move that will reduce their plastic waste by 30%, Marriott International announced that their hotels will no longer provide single-use toiletry bottles for guests to steal. Instead, as part of a company-wide green initiative, Marriott says they will put out reusable, 36-ounce pump-action shampoo and conditioner bottles. Photo Credit Karen Bryan

Maker of Oxycontin offers 36 pills to every American to settle opioid lawsuits

Purdue Pharma, the makers of oxycontin, announced today that it is willing to settle thousands of lawsuits related to the opioid epidemic by giving Americans $12 billion worth of free pills. “There’s a lot of people in a lot of pain because of us.” CEO Craig Landau stated. “And Oxycontin will make that pain go away.”

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