Former Arizona Senator and deceased war hero John McCain announced today that he will be running for president in 2020. McCain broke the news at the US Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland when he ‘floated out of his headstone and began giving a stump speech to a groundskeeper.’
“He manifested and immediately started by insisting that I ‘rub his big cheek for good luck,” the anonymous worker said. “He lovingly refers to the face bump as ‘Lumpy Blumpkin’ and he made me caress it for 15 minutes while he gave a speech about his right to be president. It was terrifying.”
To McCain’s point, the constitution states that you must be at least 35 years old to be president, but there’s no age limit and no rule that kicks in at the time of death.
“I’m still the same guy, you know? I’ve got what the Republicans want.” McCain stated before listing his charming qualities.
“Being a spirit will allow me to scare voters to the polls like never before, I have a history of antiquated views as long and transparent as my balls, and as a relatable apparition I’m trapped in space and time; forever stuck in my ways.”
Rumors are stirring that McCain rushed the announcement of his Presidential bid in order to prevent George H.W. Bush from stealing his thunder in a campaign run of his own.
Paranormal experts believe that – if elected – McCain would immediately evaporate into the unknown; having taken care of his unfinished business. Conversely, a McCain loss would almost certainly escalate his paranormal political activity.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes,” one expert stated.