Scorpio (10/22 – 11/21) – You’ve come across enough fake people in your life to know one when you see one. So when your new coworker claims that her tits are real, just grab the letter opener and prove that bitch wrong.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You are feeling ecstatic and delighted inside – creating a real impact on those around you. Just go along with your mental breakdown and keep driving 60 mph down the sidewalk until the authorities catch you.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – The painful times in your life will get a lot smoother today – no longer leaving you lying in bed with internal pain. Congratulations power bottom! You’ve found the one affordable lubricant that you are not allergic to.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – The commonalities between you and your new set of imaginary friends are simply uncanny. Step away from the group and take some time to check the calendar. Yup. You missed your electroconvulsive therapy appointment yesterday.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Death.
Aries (3/21-4/19) – Difficult situations and touchy conversations will occur today because you decide to open up about how you are truly feeling. But, you’ll never be happy in life unless you tell your grandma she’s a racist bitch on Facebook.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Being completely focused on what you want will help you to get that much closer to your goal. Ignore people who try to stop you, buckle down, and just go for it as you drive away from your annoying significant other and those shitty kids.
Gemini (5/21-6/20) – You may have noticed that you are finally starting to connect with an individual on a much, much deeper level. Do what you can to build momentum, finish, and then rebury that body before sunrise.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Be mindful of strangers today and they will reward your giving and selfless nature with $5 to $500 – depending on what you do in the Motel 6 for about 20 min.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22) – The everyday routine and monotony has been getting to you. Now is the time to open up to new possibilities and try new things. Hit up the red light district, find a Cancer, bring some cash, and just get down with your bad self.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – You are struggling while deciding whether or not to attend an upcoming event. You know that this is important, but that it could cause you equal amounts of uncomfortableness and relief. Just drink the 4 liters of solution, hunker down with a good book, and go to your colonoscopy appointment tomorrow.
Libra (9/23 – 10/21) – Take the time to figure out what your “must haves” are in a relationship. Then tell your partner what you are missing. If they say that they cannot give it to you, then you know you’ll just have to find another girl who is into pegging.