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Greenpeace Tells Americans: “Wipe Your Butts With Your Hands”

Greenpeace launched a campaign today telling Americans to stop using toilet paper and start using their hands to wipe their behinds.

“It really saves on paper which, in turn, saves trees,” Greenpeace Executive Director Annie Leonard stated. “So who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”

The organization has already begun running ads which modified a popular toilet-flushing slogan to read “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown keep it around.”

“We want Americans to fill their toilets to capacity, then scoop it out for composting,” Leonard stated. “You can get even more green if you don’t buy a shit shovel: just grab it. You’re already wiping your ass with your hands anyway.”

Leonard noted that with the dire warnings about climate change, by now everyone should already be recycling, and saving energy.

“I’m assuming Americans are doing a great job being environmentally conscious, but the numbers say it isn’t enough. So this summer, be sure to grab your brown to get more green!” Leonard said while giving a shit-stained thumbs-up.

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