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Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is Finally PC Enough to Film After 13 Years of Rewrites

Originally announced in 2006, Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is finally politically correct enough for director Jaume Collet-Serra to begin filming. 

“It took four writers and 13 years of rewriting, but we finally got it done,” Collet-Serra stated. “We cut out a ton of brown people throwing spears and totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason. So that was 3/4ths of the script gone.”

With little material left to work with, Collet-Serra says he told the writers to get creative.

“What we ended up with is more of a horror movie in which a musclebound headhunter played by Dwayne Johnson stalks Emily Blunt through the jungle-like aisles of an Amazon warehouse for two hours.” Collet-Serra stated. “Don’t ask me to explain the plot. I cannot.”

Collet-Serra noted that there are two relative highpoints in the movie.

“One is an action scene in which Blunt fights off a bunch of annoyed Amazon workers with a double-sided dildo,” Collet-Serra stated. “The second is a confusing, trippy animated scene that depicts a talkative Dwayne Johnson making love to a bin full Amazon Echos.”

Disney says they will be changing their Jungle Cruise rides to closely resemble the movie by opening real Amazon Warehouses in their place.

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Photo Credit: Josh Hallett

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