Trump Is Being Impeached For Tweeting About “The Greatest Blowjob Ever” From Sarah Sanders

Republicans now agree that the President has committed an impeachable offense.

Robert Mueller Announces Presidential Bid to Take Down Trump

“I’m running because I have a very particular set of skills,” the 7-foot tall former FBI Director bellowed. “Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you, Mr. Trump.”

Apple Releases iPhone Rotary with Real Crank-Dialing and Switchboard Operators

“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.

Uber’s New Submarine Service ‘ScUber’ Will Let Riders Drop Trash Directly on The Great Barrier Reef

“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”

Scientists End Debate: ‘Pineapple Belongs on Pizza if You Enjoy Pineapple on Pizza, You Shitheads’

“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”

NFL Announces ‘Hall of Fam’ Nomination for Donovan McNabb, Other Slightly Above Average Players

“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”

Sarah Sanders: “Memorial Day is a Republican Holiday”

“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.

%d bloggers like this: