Elizabeth Warren Says She’ll Divorce Her Husband and Marry a Woman to Win the Presidency

Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”

Warren walked out on stage sporting a fresh, half-shaved haircut and a pair of Vans sneakers for the rally.

“If I end up going head-to-head with homosexual candidate Pete Buttigieg, I will lose the gay vote. That’s 1 in 25 voters,” Warren said to the crowd of 5,000. “Fun math fact. There were 50 students in the women’s studies class I met Barb in at college.”

The Senator then went on to spend 35 minutes describing her multiple same-sex experiences during her time at both George Washington and Rutgers Universities; all of them having been with Barb.

As Warren finished talking about what she did to “Barbs cute little nipples” last night, Warren spoke about Donald Trump.

“You know,” Warren smiled. “One big difference between President Fondle J. Grump and myself is this:  At no point did I ever grab anyone by the pussy without permission.”

Minutes after walking off stage, Warren posted this image on her official Instagram account:

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