Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage at Steve Jobs Theater in Cupertino, California today to demonstrate just how environmentally friendly the newest iPhones are.
“The iPhone XS Max is comprised of mostly recyclable steel and glass, with a few other materials as well,” Cook stated. “In fact, it only takes 75lbs of raw material to make one iPhone XS Max.”
“Now, the only hard part about eating it is cutting it up,” Cook laughed as he pulled out a Slap Chop and an Airpower wireless charging mat. “Gotta use these fucking mats for something.”
Apple’s leader explained what to expect next as he decimated the $1,399 phone using the Airpower mat as a cutting board.
“Now, when I crap out the iPhone XS Max it will come out in several smaller pieces, which are actually iPhone SE devices,” Cook smiled.
As he ate the last of the mangled phone, a large chunk lodged itself in Cook’s throat. Now choking, Cook’s garbled sounds prompted Siri.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook struggled to swallow the offending parts.
Cook was rushed off stage, but an official statement confirmed that the Apple CEO is expected to make a full recovery and that he has successfully voided six fully-functioning iPhone SE devices.