A recent Stanford University study showed that lactose intolerance in humans causes the same amount of methane to be emitted into the atmosphere as the often joked about dairy cow.
Disgruntled Stanford Professor Böse Blahung, who led the study, spoke condescendingly about the findings.
“65% of people are lactose intolerant to some degree because the human body isn’t really meant to ingest dairy,” an enraged Blahung shouted. “Worldwide there’s 5.5 billion lactose intolerant humans – compared to 1.5 billion cows and bulls: Just 246 million of which are dairy cows.”
Importantly, Professor Blahung is part of the Anti-Fart (Antifa) movement – a growing, violent and radical organization that’s linked to a bean factory explosion in Wigan, England at the Heinz Beanz baked bean factory – the largest factory of its kind in the world. A fervent member of Antifa, Blahung often boasts that he hasn’t produced any flatulence for 7 years; causing rectal tremors that have register on the Richter Scale, not once, but twice.
“There’s a big one in there,” Blahung groaned. “It’s big and it’s angry.”
The professor carried on with his tirade while grimacing from intestinal pain.
“The average trouser tantrum is 7% methane, but 100% concentrated evil,” Blahung screamed while pointing a trembling finger directly at my ass. “Methane is 23 times worse than CO2! So, when you strike up the one-man jazz band or backdoor beatbox your briefs remember – you’re not just firing a retro-rocket of pollution out of your asshole, you ARE an asshole!”
The tenured professor paused to chug a 32 oz Big Gulp ‘Pepto, Beano & Activated Charcoal’ smoothie from 7-Eleven.
“Terrie at 7-Eleven keeps the first aid cabinet stocked and that way all the ingredients for my drink are there when I come in. I really appreciate it.”
The professor concluded by issuing a warning to humanity.
“If people continue to consume dairy and shoot gratuitous amounts of methane out of their filthy foghorns while claiming to care about climate change, then I can tell you how the world ends right now!” Blahung shrieked. “We fart ourselves to death!”