Walmart Implants Elderly Greeters With Robotic Parts

Walmart announced today that the company has outfit the bodies of hundreds of elderly store greeters with robotic parts. The attached technology will be used to pull data which will help to develop the artificial intelligence for android greeters.

“We’ve created senior citizen cyborgs with product-scanning eyes, super-strength translucent arms and two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.

Fully-automated androids are expected to replace the greeters in just a few months.

“Since the androids’ programming would have them moving as slowly as the human greeters, we’ll crank them up 15 times faster to increase work efficiency,” McMillon stated. “Picture an 87-year-old grandmother who is sharp as a tack, but moves like she’s on crack. That’s what the new greeters be like.”

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