MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day

Another season of MLB (Men re-Locating their Balls) has begun with excited fans already leering and cat-calling men in ill-fitting uniforms as they adjust and readjust their testicles over and over again.

“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” MLB (Men Loathing having Balls) Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.

“We’re going to be showing a lot of close-up, mid-section replays of the players’ fronts and backs this year,” the 60-year-old Manfred moaned. “And if they’re hard enough, we’ll throw some nipples in there too.”

The MLB (Manly, Lickable Butts) has also issued new uniforms that, when moist, become nearly transparent.

“It’s no secret that there’s plenty of raw sexual tension on the field,” Manfred concluded. “We’re just highlighting what was already the main draw to America’s favorite pastime: unmanageable gonads, knife-like nipples and thick asses.

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