Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM

In Illinois it’s tradition to dye the Chicago River green on St. Patrick’s Day. Unfortunately, this year the ritual was cut short by record amounts of bile being projected into the river by intoxicated partygoers.

“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell. But this is starting to seem like a waste of time and money; to dye a flowing river green if we’re just going to ruin it in one hour with puke,” Chicago Governor J.B. Pritzker stated. “So maybe we’ll do orangish-brown next year.”

Although the dyeing of the Chicago River has no known environmental impact, scientists are already predicting a large-scale fish kill in the tens-of-thousands due to widespread alcohol poisoning. It’s estimated that the 4 to 7 days it takes to burn flammable vomit off the Chicago River ads 11,0000 to 13,500 tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere.

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Photo Credit Mike Boehmer

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