Pope Francis Demands Every Dirty Detail on Sexual Abuse for His Adult Fantasy Novel
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’ Continue reading Pope Francis Demands Every Dirty Detail on Sexual Abuse for His Adult Fantasy Novel
Month: March 2019
MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated. Continue reading MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.” Continue reading Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.” Continue reading Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.” Continue reading Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]
Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.” Continue reading Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
Meet the Worst Backseat Driver Ever: A Man Who Only Speaks in Idioms
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.” Continue reading Meet the Worst Backseat Driver Ever: A Man Who Only Speaks in Idioms
Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker Continue reading Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM
Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi Continue reading Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day
Victoria’s Secret: Cube-Shaped Bras and Breasts Are ‘Trend of The Future’
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer Continue reading Victoria’s Secret: Cube-Shaped Bras and Breasts Are ‘Trend of The Future’
Democrats to Occupy Wisconsin Until 2020 Election
“Milwaukee should brace itself for about 700 campaign rallies in the next 603 days.” – Gov. Tony Evers Continue reading Democrats to Occupy Wisconsin Until 2020 Election
27 Cars Nearly Crash Into President Trump’s Motorcade
“You’ve got some bad drivers down here in Opelika!” Continue reading 27 Cars Nearly Crash Into President Trump’s Motorcade
Elon Musk & The Rock Are Costarring in an Adult Film
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.” Continue reading Elon Musk & The Rock Are Costarring in an Adult Film
Fired-Up Bernie Sanders Sprouts Huge Mustache During Campaign Rally
“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter Continue reading Fired-Up Bernie Sanders Sprouts Huge Mustache During Campaign Rally
Leaked! White House Security Briefing Shows Insanity in Trump Administration
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.” Continue reading Leaked! White House Security Briefing Shows Insanity in Trump Administration
Prego Under Fire for New Afterbirth-Style Pasta Sauce
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week. Continue reading Prego Under Fire for New Afterbirth-Style Pasta Sauce
Can’t Spell? No Problem: Dating App Users Are Attracted to Partners Who Can’t Spell
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans. Continue reading Can’t Spell? No Problem: Dating App Users Are Attracted to Partners Who Can’t Spell