President Trump has broken ground on a majestic 55,000 square foot, golden prison on recently purchased land adjacent to his Mar-a-Lago resort. Trump said that the new complex would be part of an experiment that represents his “new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
The president spoke briefly to a crowd at the groundbreaking ceremony today, standing “where the KFC will be located” after construction is complete.
“They’re talking about lawbreaking and Russia and impeachment over there and it’s nonsense. So I’m ignoring that and working on prison reform folks. Real change,” Trump stated. “I’m actually doing something meaningful for myself. I mean…for America.”
“We’re going to fix our unfair, outdated laws,” Trump added. “Lots of people do nothing wrong and they go to prison for decades. Decades! We’re talking about things like marijuana, petty theft, property theft, perjury, tax evasion, trespassing, collusion with Russia, resisting arrest, public intoxication. It’s all harmless folks. And let’s not forget, it probably never happened. It’s so unfair! So unfair.”
Trump also revealed his ‘Prisoner Bill of Rights’ which lays out how the inmates he will personally assign to the Mar-a-Lago Federal Correction Complex must be treated in the new prison.
“The fine people locked up in this magnificent 112 bed, 202 bath prison shall be afforded unlimited access to Twitter, a green light on open relationships, and won’t have to wear orange if they maintain their completely normal-looking tan,” Trump stated.