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Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring

Kraft Heinz stocks tanked after grossed-out investors heard that Patriots owner Robert Kraft (no relation) had purchased 12% of the company’s food supply to run a cheese-fetish pornography ring.

Kraft, who is a friend of President Trump and frequent visitor to Mar-a-Lago, is being charged with soliciting prostitutes that he paid to – among other things – eat Cheez Whiz out of his asshole.

With over 2,200 confiscated recordings, authorities say that the 77-year-old Kraft appears in a least 127 of the tapes.

“I’ve completely and permanently cut cheese out of my diet now,” Juniper, Florida police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”

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