Kraft Heinz stocks tanked after grossed-out investors heard that Patriots owner Robert Kraft (no relation) had purchased 12% of the company’s food supply to run a cheese-fetish pornography ring.
Kraft, who is a friend of President Trump and frequent visitor to Mar-a-Lago, is being charged with soliciting prostitutes that he paid to – among other things – eat Cheez Whiz out of his asshole.
With over 2,200 confiscated recordings, authorities say that the 77-year-old Kraft appears in a least 127 of the tapes.
“I’ve completely and permanently cut cheese out of my diet now,” Juniper, Florida police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”