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Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

After spending more than 14 years on Mars, NASA’s Opportunity Rover has been found dead from an apparent auto-erotic asphyxiation session gone wrong.

“This morning we were deeply saddened to announce that Opportunity had died after intentionally restricting power to its main systems for the purposes of sexual arousal,” a NASA statement read.

Opportunity’s initial mission was expected to last just 90 days. Over the course of its 14 years on Mars, NASA claims that Opportunity has successfully achieved climax 4,276 times.

“It’s a mixed bag of emotions for everyone here at NASA,” Administrator Jim Bridenstine stated. “It’s phenomenal how long Opportunity survived, but at the same time it’s sad to think about how much more we could have accomplished if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”

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