A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians

A growing number of Floridians are licking the necks and faces of complete strangers after news that local Madeira Beach commissioner Nancy Oakley was found to have a sexual habit of licking men she was attracted to or believed she had authority over.

“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” University of Miami Sex & Gender Studies professor Jodie Langens stated. “While some lickers are just exploring, others have undoubtedly wanted to do this for years.”

With the saliva floodgates agape, citizens have reported over 15,300 unwelcome, frothy tongue fondlings in just 3 days.

“It deeply saddens me that this is how we have responded,” Langens stated. “This is something that we all need to learn to accept and embrace; we cannot shame our fellow Americans.”

As of press time, an influenza epidemic has spread across much of the Sunshine State. Federal aid is being withheld until the Trump administration can be convinced that Florida is part of the United States.

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Photo Credit: David Shankbone

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