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Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones

(Kholer – Wisconsin) Americans are gaining weight and staring at their phones while pooping more than ever before. In fact, there’s a 7% chance that you’re reading this while perched on a toilet.

Because of these factors, toilets in the United States are falling apart, unable to handle the crushing weight from those prolonged sessions of “smartphone & shit.”

In fact, Congress has added public toilets to the country’s long list of crumbling infrastructure (like bridges, roads, a general sense of hope, public transit, et cetera). Enter the Kholer Corporation of Kholer, Wisconsin. A forward-thinking company that anticipated the problem over 2 years ago.

“We started on our prototype toilet in fall of 2017 when my aunt absolutely demolished our master bath toilet at a family Thanksgiving gathering,” Kohler President & CEO Karger Kohler stated. “I think that her needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product, so you’ll probably see ads about that.”

Kholer says that by 2020 they’ll have a whole line ready to sell. For right now the only option is a toilet made with concrete and reinforced steel that costs $499; however they are taking custom orders that begin in the $10,000 range.

“For example President Trump has purchased 17 gold-plated toilets from us,” Karger Kohler said. “Which is perfect for someone who both fits our product demographic and has 6 hours of ‘executive time’ to kill each day.”

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