More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.” Continue reading More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace
Month: January 2019
Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.” Continue reading Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.” Continue reading FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.” Continue reading President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.” Continue reading Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters. Continue reading Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.” Continue reading Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards
Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.” Continue reading Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face
“I have never seen that much blood.” Continue reading Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face
South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says … Continue reading South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.” Continue reading Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking