“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”
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Month: January 2019
Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”
Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.
Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”