Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing

“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell

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Kavanaugh Avoids Sex Scandal by Becoming Ordained Priest Overnight

“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani

National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’

“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.”

Tomorrow is National Insurance Fraud Day!

“If enough of us do it, they can’t catch us all.”

Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast

“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”

Mike Pence’s Grindr Has a Countdown to Impeachment

Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.

Study: Millennials are the First Generation to Not View Pornography for the Plot Line

“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies

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