Starbucks Apologizes to Christians, Plans to Release a New Line of Religious Cups

“Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs instead of the happy holidays ones…”

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CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump

None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.

Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn

The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons. 

Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America

“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”

Guys: Here’s Why You Should Let Her Put Stuff in Your Booty

“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”

NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead

The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.

Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’

“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.

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