Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation

We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump

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World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’

We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’

Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’

“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’

Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs

Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.

Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance

Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.

Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)

“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”

Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians

Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.

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