Pope Francis announced today that Catholics will begin celebrating Christmas in March in order to ‘realign the church’s pro-life values with Jesus’ true conception date.’
“All true believers must realize and admit that we should focus on that one miraculous time when God really, really surprised a Middle Eastern woman named Mary around 5 B.C.,” Pope Francis said. “We believe that life begins at conception, so it only follows that we should be commemorating this sacred moment when God orgasmed – quite powerfully so I’d assume – and His sperm snuck up on that brown lady’s eggs like SEAL Team Six.”
For Catholics, Christmas of 2019 will arrive just three months after Christmas 2018 – on March 25th.
With different faiths likely to continue celebrating the holiday in December, and the Catholic festivities taking place in March, Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for at least 5 to 6 months out of the year.
So get shopping! It’s only 90 days until Christmas!