President Trump announced today that he has begun construction of a majestic 55,000 square foot, gold-plated prison on recently purchased land adjacent to his Mar-a-Lago resort home. Trump said that the new building would be part of an experiment that represents his ‘new approach for overhauling the prison system.’
The president spoke briefly to a crowd at the groundbreaking ceremony today, standing ‘where the KFC will be located’ after construction is complete.
“They’re talking about Russia and impeachment over there and it’s nonsense, but I’m talking about prison reform folks. Real change. Because I’m actually doing something meaningful for myself. For America. Myself and America,” Trump sputtered.
“We’re going to fix our unfair, outdated laws folks,” Trump added. “Lots of people do nothing wrong and they go to prison for decades. Decades! We’re talking about marijuana, petty theft, property theft, perjury, tax evasion, trespassing, collusion with Russia, resisting arrest, public intoxication. It’s all harmless folks. And let’s not forget, it probably never happened. It’s so unfair! So unfair.”
Trump concluded by announcing a new ‘Prisoner Bill of Rights’ which lays out how inmates – who he will personally select – must be treated in his prison reform experiment. Among those rights, prisoners locked up in the 112 bed, 202 bath Mar-a-Lago Federal Correction Complex will be afforded unlimited access to Twitter, a green light on open relationships, and won’t be required to wear orange if they already are.