Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation

At least 2.2 million vegans have reportedly starved to death after a lettuce recall left them with nothing to eat over the Thanksgiving weekend.

It’s estimated that the deaths will add at least 18 months to the amount of time it will take for climate change to destroy human civilization. Officials at FEMA have confirmed that their “red doomsday X’ was moved from August 5th, 2040 to Wednesday, February 5th, 2042.

The White House offered a brief press release from the President on the tragedy:

“Although we may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, we will never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first,” Trump wrote.

iPhone users can expect a software update in the coming months to reflect the new date for the apocalypse.

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