After experiencing boycotts and whimsical backlashes every year, Starbucks has announced that they are going to trash their Happy Holiday cups to please Christians. Well them, and everyone else.
Starbucks’ Gobal Chief Marketing Officer, Sharon Rothstein shared with us how they will now being including everyone.
“In light of the constant outrage by many Christians we’ve decided to donate all of the Happy Holidays cups to homeless shelters,” stated Rothstein. “We figured as long as there are people out there complaining about nothing while being self-absorbed, we should actually do something good for the world.”
Rothstein then told us how Starbucks is going to remedy their “error” of inclusion that was perceived as exclusion by the chosen people of God.
“We have completed the new designs which truly include Christians – as well as everyone else. Just like the ‘Happy Holidays’ cups already fucking did.”
Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs to recognize all celebrations that take place around this same time of year:
1 – To represent Jewish people there will be cups with menorahs, dreidels, and yarmulkes.
2 – Satanist will be included via cups with the Sigil of Baphomet.
3 – Muslims will be seeing cups with a calligraphic representation of the word Allah.
4 – Those who celebrate Kwanzaa will see depictions of Mazao – the 2nd symbol of the celebration.
5 – Hindus will see cups with beautiful light designs for the celebration of Diwali.
When we asked Rothstein what they would be doing for Christmas cups she said, “For Christians there will be a cup depicting people wearing cross necklaces and crying like little bitches. Just kidding, but I’m not going to say that the notion wasn’t tossed around jokingly in the office,” laughed Rothstein.
“But in all seriousness, to answer the question – they will see cups with effeminate male elves on them.”
Rothstein also noted that the cups would be shipped to Starbucks shops in assorted packages and that baristas will just be using the next cup in the stack for each customer.
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