Study: Millennials are the First Generation to Not View Pornography for the Plot Line

“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies

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A new study from Stanford University reveals that the vast majority of Millennials are not viewing pornography for the story lines – making them the only age group to have such a distinction.

“This is the first U.S. generation of Americans to use pornography solely for self-gratification,” Stanford’s Head Researcher of Sex & Gender Studies Jane Meyers stated. “They aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories; instead they are quickly achieving orgasm and immediately clearing their browser history.”

The findings have caused outrage among many Baby Boomers, including 59-year-old Vice President Mike Pence.

“Kids these days. You know?” an exasperated Pence stated. “I mean, I haven’t ever watched any of the sexual moving pictures because Mother won’t let me, but I’ve heard back-fence-talk from Donald that the story lines are the cat’s pajamas. Donald says that these men and women have tremendous moxie that shouldn’t be brushed aside and that’s why he woos them into courtship.”

Pence paused to reach for his wife Karen’s hand, then continued.

Mother and I believe that Millennials have little-to-no appreciation for anything. When I was a kid we cared. I would read and reread the latest hot scoops in the Playgirl gazette,” Pence lamented. “But Millennials take these new sexual talkies for granted. I know if I could pop a VHS in our home VCR and watch a sex event on the silver screen that I’d be beholden.”

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