Conservatives Eat More Fast Food, Are Fatter — Here’s Why

Eating Fast food: It’s as American as being proud of mediocrity or touting the merits of overzealous shouting while using a megaphone. But why do those who subscribe to right-leaning schools of thought consume more fast food than those with left-leaning political views? How come republicans are, on average, much fatter?

A recent study at Virginia Tech answered these questions. Here’s what they found:

1) Conservative Talk Radio.
It is impossible for avid listeners to get out of the car when radio personality Rush Limbaugh is spreading his inclusive messages of hate. In fact, it’s not uncommon for Rush to leave conservatives stuck in their cars paralyzed in fear – a direct result of his uplifting, populist messages that induce unfounded anger and unreasonable fear.

Because the ‘fight-or-flight’ response doesn’t require facts, anything the shock jock says can leave his fat and frightened listeners trapped in their car for days on end. As a result, it is not uncommon for conservatives to frequent a fast food drive thru two or three times a day, multiple days a week.

2 Conservatives Eat More Fast Food Are Fatter -- Here's Why
The average Trump supporter wears a size XXL T-shirt. 60% of these shirts have Arby’s Horsey Sauce on them.

2) Pride in Our Healthcare System.
Known for their hardline and unwavering stances – many of those on the right believe that the U.S. has the best healthcare system, but only when a republican is in office.

As walking billboards for work ethic, conservatives add relish to hotdogs as they salivate over the notion of countless 80-hour work weeks to pay for an ambulance ride. Wanting so badly to demonstrate patriotic faith in an abysmal healthcare system, they consume 5-times the amount of fast food as their liberal counterparts.

Motorized scooters allow for conservatives to judge minorities in any section of Walmart.

3) Tradition.

Most conservatives find comfort in simple, stagnant tradition. With fast food menus only changing 3-7% in the past 12 years, right-wingers find themselves right at home in the fast food drive thru. And just like in politics, even when you think the choices have changed for the better – the fucking McRib always seems to make its way back onto the menu. Consistency makes conservatives feel good; even when it’s bad for them.

3 Conservatives Eat More Fast Food Are Fatter -- Here's Why
Studies show that if McDonald’s were to make the McRib sandwich appealing – in any way whatsoever – republicans would put them out of business. [Photo by Fritz Saalfeld no endorsement implied.]
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