In a world that is often filled with bad news, FIFA has announced that the number of spectator deaths at the 2018 World Cup is on pace to be 1,800 lower than in 2014.
This year, Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium. Although this is a longstanding tradition among the team’s supporters, this time it has resulted in 3,337 confirmed cases of the Avian Flu at the tournament – leaving an estimated 775 dead.
Making matters worse, the host country of Russia does little-to-nothing to regulate the amount of lead in their paint. With body painting (and apparently some bird painting) being the most common way to show team pride at the World Cup, countless attendees have now been diagnosed with lead poisoning. So far there have been 832 confirmed lead poisoning deaths.
Authorities believe that the death toll could have been even lower this year had the birds themselves not also succumbed to lead poisoning and spent the better part of Tuesday flapping their flu-ridden bodies around Kaliningrad Stadium; raining diarrhea onto the 35,000 spectators who refused to leave.
Looking forward to the championship match, expect to see more bizarre customs on display as the vast majority of French fans will strip and stand stark-naked in the stands after throwing their clothing onto the field. This longstanding tradition symbolizes the demand for their team to leave everything on the field.
Meanwhile, with rain in the forecast for Sunday, viewers will see tens of thousands of Croatian fans arrive with hairdryers and battery packs as the majority of their citizens firmly believe that wet hair will cause pneumonia.
Despite the lower number of deaths this year, a record 4,752 football fans have been declared missing. It is believed that they are being detained by the Russian government for the sole purpose of an upcoming human-hunting competition between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump.