The world’s largest pharmaceutical company – Pfizer – has announced new, technologically advanced pills that will be linked directly to the pill-taker’s bank account. The idea came about when the company found that around 46,500,000 Americans are struggling to afford their medicines.
“We took $49.2 billion dollars in revenue in 2017 and I decided that we could take a tiny, tiny fraction of this money and create something to help these Americans be able to pay us in another way,” Pfizer CEO Ian Read said.
Read says that those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the change in their medicine.
“We put microchips inside of the pills that, upon being swallowed, will activate the device and automatically begin deducting money from the customer’s bank account,” Read explained while popping 3 Viagra. “The price of the individual pill will then be deducted once the microchip has detected its evacuation from the body. It’s great because this way the customers will be able to pay us slowly, one pill at a time.”
Read also said that customers will notice that price of each pill has been increased by $75 to cover the costs of the new microchip technology. However, Read added that customers will have the option to mail their feces to the company for ‘chip recovery’ and receive a $5 rebate per chip found.
“If you are wondering if we intend to recycle the chips into new pills, then you’re exactly right!” Read said.
“At Pfizer we pride ourselves on being a green company. So if being green means taking our customers ‘brown’ we’ll do it! So I suppose you could say that we’re full of shit and proud of it,” Read grinned.
Finally, Pfizer had another reason to smile today as they celebrated being the cause of 100,000 deaths in 2018 due to their unaffordable lifesaving drug prices. To mark the milestone, Read says that the company will “hike-up the price of a few random cancer-fighting pills, or something.”
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