U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline

The United States Department of Energy has announced that all U.S. Veterans will now be eligible to receive free gasoline for life. Reasons for the new incentive are twofold: to attract more recruits and to reward those who have served.
In a press conference, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry stated, “We often send these men – and sometimes women – overseas to fight for oil, and now they will be rewarded for risking their lives.”

Notably, Perry mentioned how this program will work to help homeless veterans.

“A staggering 40% of homeless men are veterans who need medical care. It’s a sad fact, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t give them gasoline instead of treatment. There’s no rule against that.”

He continued “This will be a great way for Americans to fuel up while they are on-the-go, or for homeless vets to finally move the cars that they may be living out of or sleeping in. They all have cars, right?” asked the grinning Secretary of Energy.

Perry also said to watch for homeless veterans selling gas at off-ramps and at busy intersections.

According to Perry, Americans who served will be given 200 gallons of gasoline per month to use as they please – causing stocks in companies like Exxon, Chevron, and ConocoPhillips to skyrocket significantly in just 30 minutes.

What’s more, not all government organizations are on board with the new law. The head of The U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Kristjen Nielson, is voicing her concerns.

“The number of homeless veterans who will be wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through the same bustling urban centers that we are trying to push them out of could pose a huge fire safety problem. We’re talking about the potential for American citizens to be running around on fire and bumping into others and setting them on fire. It’s very possible for everyone in a major metropolitan area to be burnt to death in just hours.” warned Nielson.

“The worst case scenario would be a full-on homeless revolt with people who are highly trained in combat actually turning on their fellow citizens, much like we did to them as soon as they came home from war,” said Nielson. “That would be a real tragedy.”
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