The United States Department of Energy has announced that all U.S. Veterans will now be eligible to receive free gasoline for life. Reasons for the new incentive are twofold: to attract more recruits and to reward those who have served.
In a press conference, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry stated, “We often send these men – and for some reason women – overseas to fight for oil, and now they will be rewarded for risking their lives.”
Perry described what his program will do to help homeless veterans while soaking a rag with diesel gasoline and dropping it into a paper bag.
“A mere 40% of homeless people are veterans who need, but somehow can’t afford, medical care. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give ’em gasoline to sell,” Perry paused and took a deep huff from the bag. “There’s no rule against that.”
Wiping blood from his nose, Perry continued “This will be a great way for Americans to fuel up at off-ramps and busy intersections, or for homeless vets to finally move the cars they’ve been living and sleeping in. They all have cars, right?” asked the wobbly, red-eyed Secretary of Energy.
According to Perry, Americans who served will be given 200 gallons of gasoline per month to use as they please – causing stocks in companies like Exxon, Chevron, and ConocoPhillips to plummet in just 30 minutes.
Not everyone is on board with the new law. The head of The U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Kristjen Nielson, is one person voicing their concerns.
“The number of homeless veterans who will be wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through the same developing urban centers that we are trying to push them out of could pose a huge fire safety problem,” Nielson warned.
“The worst case scenario would be a full-on, gasoline-fueled, homeless vet uprising in which people who are highly-skilled in combat turn against their fellow citizens, much like we did to them as soon as they came home from war,” said Nielson. “That would be a real tragedy.”