Most American Males have Larger Boobs Than Their Wives

A recent study surrounding the issue of American Obesity at The University of Washington in Seattle (UW) revealed that 57.3% of heterosexual, married males in the United States have larger breasts than their wives.

The study, which was originally focused on seeing if fat deposit build-ups in certain areas of the body related to specific illnesses, has changed focus.

UW Scientists are now concerned about what they are calling the ‘Masculine Mammary Outbreak’.

Digging deeper still, UW researches saw some shocking repercussions for American males with oversized breasts that were both physical and emotional.

“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed,” stated Head Researcher Drew Adamnowsky. “We’ve got large-breasted men with terrible back problems who don’t feel like they are good enough for society. They are worried that they are not masculine or handsome enough for their wives, and they feel little to no self worth,” stated Adamnowsky.

“It’s quite shocking to ask yourself: ‘What’s next?’ Are heterosexual men going to have to start wearing bras? Do they need makeup to look good for their wives? Is their decreased appearance of apparent masculinity going to cause them to be treated like second class citizens?”

Experts in the study of Public Health & Nutrition are at a loss to find solutions.

Meanwhile, female researches have remained cold and distant, uninterested in helping to solve this growing problem.

“None of the dames we let work our lab want to help with this growing epidemic. Most of the broads claim to be ‘too busy’. Busy with what, cooking?” stated Adamnowsky. “But then I saw 5 of my fairer-sex colleagues at some protest holding signs about equal pay, something about controlling their own bodies, and whatever a ‘Birth Control ‘is.”

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