According to White House staffers, President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.
The 71-year-old leader of the free world told his inner circle that he “doesn’t know what he did wrong,” but that he, “will not hesitate to use any and all options” when it comes to punishing Santa. “Nuking the North Pole is certainly on the table,” stated Trump.
Those in the president’s inner circle note that he is incredibly fixated on Santa, to the point of crazed obsession.
“It is terribly apparent that President Trump is thoroughly bewildered by Mr. Claus’ actions – and increasingly so this time of year,” stated an anonymous staffer. “Just last week we had to pull him off of a mall Santa in Palm Beach after he tackled the man and began shaking him violently.”
Each year, President Trump follows a routine in which he sends Santa a letter – and then, on Christmas Eve, he leaves out 2 gallons of whole milk, 3 boxes of Thin Mints, and 5 boxes of Caramel deLites.
“When he wakes up the next morning, Donald is always very disappointed,” said Melania Trump. “He throws a fit, he shouts, and he cries for hours while he drinks the 2 gallons of whole milk and eats all of the cookies.”
This year President Trump has decided to take a more aggressive approach with his letter to Santa, which reads:
When reached for comment, Vice President Mike Pence stated, “It’s truly unfortunate that the President hasn’t put two-and-two together. 2000 was the year that Donald’s mom died.”
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